"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
12/16/2015 at 00:59 • Filed to: None | 1 | 13 |
Rental car jokes are more of a tired cliche than the Scarface posters festooning the walls of frathouse brothers who self-apply the term “dealer” after they shifted a quarter of overpriced schwag bags to starry-eyed freshmen during welcome week.
This is the most boring picture I could find of the most boring car in the world.
It would also seem that we all sink to the responsibility level of these patrons of Greek Life when we find ourselves behind the wheel of a rental. Hell, you and your peer crew of 40 year old dads are in Vegas for the weekend pretending your lives are like Entourage, and that Hertz Corvette with the Beatrix Kiddo paint scheme is still fresh in your mind, even if you ended up driving off the lot in a naturally aspirated Pontiac Solstice with an automatic instead. You can be damn sure you’ll be finding out exactly how fast that little Ecotec engine will spin.
But in the end, some of us will pay the price for others Hoonigan actions. The ATF-induced, cold start, FWD burnouts won’t have an immediate effect, but supposing a few cars do make it through the ringer of Avis ownership without an insurance claim being the only proof that the car ever existed, someone will pay the price later on.
Here’s a few tips to make sure you’re not that someone.
First things first, any dealer worth their salt will have detailers who will remove every single trace of the vehicle having lived half it’s life at the airport parking lot and the other half at wide-open throttle. Barcodes, window stickers, no smoking signs, leftover documents hiding between seats, they’ll all be gone.
Rental cars have a certain type. Basically, think about the most boring car in each segment, that’s what the rental companies will buy. Kia Rios, Corollas, V6 Mustang Convertibles, Malibus, stuff like that. But there is one car that stands above them all, a car made purely for the fleet sales market. The Chevrolet Impala Limited. Today, the Impala is actually a good car, but the Limited is a holdover based on a 30 year old chassis, with an interior worthy of a World War One Royal Navy destroyer, only with cheaper wood. If you see this badge on an Impala, immediately find the fastest vehicle in the vicinity and drive in the opposite direction until you encounter another Impala Limited, rinse and repeat until you end up in a small town by the sea, 500 miles away from the nearest 2016 W-Body.
Think about what the modern equivalent of !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! is, and then try to avoid it as best you can.
Aside from the Impala Limited, however, all of these cars are sold to normal customers as well as ending up in the hands of rental fleets, so we’ve got to be a bit more careful. As stated earlier, you won’t be finding anything on the car that says “Hertz” in those bright yellow letters anywhere on the car. But that doesn’t mean all the signs can be hidden. The one thing that you will find on absolutely EVERY single ex rental is that the ignition cylinder is more scarred than Sonny Liston’s back. This is because the starting procedure is as follows: Get in. Rub dirty shoes all over floor mats. Flail right hand on side of steering wheel like you’re the average man in a movie who just punched a deserving jerk, eventually the key will go where it’s supposed to. Turn key. Swear at piece of shit rental not starting. Try again. Remove key, repeat flail to reinsert. Finally figure out you’re supposed to hold the brake pedal. Swear at faceless engineers halfway across the country for such unforgivable oversight. While not every single car that has this was once a rental, every rental has this mark. Similar to the way not all racists support Donald Trump, but all Donald Trump supporters are racists.
This abomination of an interior was given to a car sold in the year 2015. I guess GM had to do something with all those leftover mid 00s stereos that were supposed to go in Saturn Auras
Finally, check the radio presets. Most rental cars will bounce around the country like a young Kerouac, eventually being discharged to civilian life in an area of the country completely different from where it’s tour of duty was served (ostensibly to prevent PTSD outbreaks). Thus, the presets should be slightly disorganized, far apart, and most of them shouldn’t get service where you are. While there’s always the chance that a tech disconnected the battery during a pre-sale inspection or service, it’s still a good idea to check. Generally, factory default presets will be evenly spaced from each other, if not very close in the frequency range.
What’s wrong with this picture?
Finally, buy a manual. It’s not a full guarantee, but almost every single car purchased for a rental fleet will be an automatic, simply because every customer can operate one. Unless of course, they’re a slightly high German exchange student in the dark of night, completely flummoxed by letters being on the gear stick instead of numbers, and the “clutch” pedal having a ratchet mechanism in it. I assure you, this is a rare occurrence.
I have nothing more to add, so here’s a recording of Dire Straits’ Ride Across the River for you to enjoy.
Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 01:20 | 1 |
Ugh, such horrible plastic!
- Pontiac Vibe owner
Swayze Train GTi
> Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/16/2015 at 01:25 | 0 |
The Solstice is an upcoming review, as is the Pontiac Vibe, actually.
I actually like the overall layout of the Solstice, but the quality of the plastics is completely unforgivable.
911e46z06
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 01:31 | 3 |
It always blows my mind that people willingly buy used rental cars. Saying shit about how well maintained they are and how few miles they have. These decent, god-fearing people clearly do not appreciate the levels of abuse assholes like you and me put on rental cars. When you tell a car nut he can basically live his automotive dreams risk free for 9 bucks a day, horrible, awful things happen.
for Michigan
> 911e46z06
12/16/2015 at 02:19 | 0 |
I have a coworker who used to brag about her ex-rental Jetta SE. It had all the stickers and everything. Completely baffled me.
Wrong Wheel Drive (41%)
> 911e46z06
12/16/2015 at 06:20 | 0 |
A rental car with 40k miles on it is equivalent to a normal car with at least 200k miles on it.
BigBlock440
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 08:14 | 1 |
If you see this badge on an Impala, immediately find the fastest vehicle in the vicinity and drive in the opposite direction
Wouldn’t that be the Impala Limited?
Klaus Schmoll
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 09:07 | 2 |
I don’t know about the US, but in Germany ex-rental cars can be quite good value. Rental companies never keep the cars longer than 6 months and 10-15k kms. They then get a full service with tires and brakes if needed, a thorough detail, and get sold at wholesale auctions. These almost-new cars then end up at dealerships where they are heavily discounted compared to other pre-owned vehicles.
Friend of mine who works at BMW R&D in Munich bought an ex-rental Focus 4 or 5 years ago, still drives it and never had any trouble. His reasoning was that modern electronics won’t actually let you harm an engine, even if you want to. Rev a cold engine hard and it will adjust fuel mixture, redline etc... to protect the engine.
You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much
> BigBlock440
12/16/2015 at 10:52 | 1 |
Subtle. Too subtle maybe. I had actually closed this tab before I caught that, so I had to reopen it for the sake of commending you on your excellent joke.
Stephen the Canuck
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 12:38 | 0 |
My first car was an ex-rental car. A 2005 Pontiac Grand Am. It did just fine. It lasted to 223,000 kms until the transmission decided it didn’t want to stay completely together inside. Kept driving it afterwards too, it was just really slow to accelerate in the first couple of gears.
The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
> Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/16/2015 at 14:44 | 0 |
Had a Vibe, called it plastic fantastic.
Swayze Train GTi
> The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock
12/16/2015 at 14:48 | 0 |
We call my friends the Fauxyota
Swayze Train GTi
> Klaus Schmoll
12/16/2015 at 14:50 | 0 |
10-15k kms certainly is a miniscule period, but over here I believe it’s generally closer to 30k Miles, maybe even more, seeing as they’ve realized they can squeeze more out of each car by keeping it a bit longer
Klaus Schmoll
> Swayze Train GTi
12/16/2015 at 16:42 | 0 |
In Europe they think that it’s cheapest to not bother with servicing and oil changes and the like. Too much personnel, data, papertrail, infrastructure, etc involved. They just dump them when the first service is due. This also means two things for the customer:
a) You always get a “new” car, so reliability isn’t an issue. The interiour isn’t trashed and so on.
b) You will have a really hard time finding a rental with winter tires. They might throw some snow chains in the back for a couple bucks but in most cases that’s it.
I was really surprised when I got a van for moving day thi ssummer from Hertz and it had 80k kms on the clock already. I complained about the state the vehicle was in, and instantly got €75 refunded. No questions asked.